Rant

    I don't like the person I'm becoming.

It's strange to actually say it, because I've been feeling this for a while. But this week I forgot about that feeling I had since it was hidden away in my overwhelming high of happiness -- which is still lingering. I see myself as a lot of things. Not too many negative nor positive. I don't hate myself anymore. That's a good thing in most eyes, but I think not hating myself is where this started. I see myself as quite joyful. I feel like I care more than most people. I think I've learned to be wiser and how to teach people to be smarter than I was. But since I've stopped hating myself, I've seen that I'm becoming selfish. I'm acting entitled; like everybody owes me something. I'm not patient with people, I get irritated. And I talk to talk rather than to listen.

I hate who I'm becoming, but I don't want to change. It's not really a pride thing. It's more of a defense thing. I'm rebellious. Because of my dad's failed batch in an earlier marriage, my parents tried to raise perfect children who never made any mistakes. That's why they freaked out when February happened. That's why they called me Lacey for a few days. At least their 'perfectness' took on one child. A child that wants to be good, who considers the Lord before she makes any decisions, who has an innocent mind and soul, who doesn't get irrationally angry at everything, who idolizes her parents. And it just so happened that I wasn't their perfect child. I don't want to be bitter. But it's difficult to forgive the people who locked me away, took my love, and never apologized for anything: not even the fact that they full out told me that I don't know God. I don't want to grow up hating my parents, but I feel that that's the path I'm going on. I find that my personality type can get me into lots of trouble. But at the same time, being feisty can save me from dealing with any bullshit from everybody. I'm torn. Because some days my family is perfect and loving toward me. But when I piss them off by just being a teenager, they act like it's the end of the world.

I hate this mindset. It needs to change, but I'm not sure how to change it.