KaylaJules

daw.

no.

whybro.

yespls.

the texture and buoyancy of this lily pad suits my tastes quite perfectly. if you'd like we can hop down the ol' trail where senor aslan was slain in a romantic matter and kiss the bees and the eagles along with it. if you will, will. will?

Lol. Don't listen to the title--
    
    So I just needed to address something, but I wasn't really sure how to. I don't wanna start any anger with either of you. So I'm gonna just start it off with: you two gots to chill. I know you guys went from seeing each other every day to not at all, but I can't help but overhear your drama.

    Cecil, you're freakishly upset because you don't see him, and you're overthinking to the ABSOLUTE MAX. "Is this punishment?" you said. Erm, no girl, it's life. Stuff happens and sometimes you can't see each other.

    Jordananan, you...sigh. Listen. I don't want to assume anything here, but I have a feeling you're over exaggerating at least a little bit. When you said you had two mental breakdowns - I'm not gonna lie - I kind of rolled my eyes. If you're actually having legit problems, I apologize. But I rolled my eyes because of past shit my sister said when she and my dad got into a petty fight about nothing. "I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown and I cried for 48 hours," she said. But if you're exaggerating, stop. If you aren't exaggerating, why? Why are you so upset about not seeing her for only a week and some days?

    I knew you two would be upset, but you gotta chill. This isn't the end of the world. You're gonna see each other eventually. Crying and being overly dramatic about it isn't going to make your lives or mine any less depressing. I didn't wanna play the "I have it worse" card, but I need to draw something. Without going into too much detail(since I haven't fully explained this to Jordan and I don't wanna confuse the crap outta him), I haven't seen my love in person since February 18, 2016. Over a year ago. After certain circumstances, and after a year of not speaking to him AT ALL, I finally found out that he is willing to wait for me. And I'm perfectly content with just that, without talking to him directly for the next few years. 

    I'm no expert on love, but what I've learned is that to make it last, you need to find a mutual trust. Which means that you need to know that you guys are going to be alright, even if you don't see each other for a while. And Cecil, I know you don't want him upset. Jordan, I know you don't want her upset. So do each other a favor and be happy! Easier said than done, I know. But, please, be content with just the fact that you love each other. Don't let a few weeks of not seeing each other make you wanna die.

    Instead of you two pouting or crying about not seeing each other, think of what you're gonna do when you do see each other. I spent a year pouting, and this new way of thinking has kept me happier. Try it! I'll go first:

    When I see my boyfriend in just a little over two years, I'm going to run to him, tears in my eyes, and jump into his arms. We'll hold each other, as if to never let go again. Just as we had parted years prior, I'll kiss him, this time as a promise to never go a single day without kissing him ever again. Because I know, even though we had spent a year in question and at a loss of hope, even though we had to wait so long just to be accepted by people that don't even matter in our eyes, even though I was the only one who knew his true intentions when everyone else thought he was evil, despite the age, despite the distance, despite everyone's judging eyes, I KNOW - he is and will always be the one who stole my heart.

    Your turn.

    All I did was ask a question. A simple question. After a year I thought they would've at least given it some consideration. And somehow they still turned it over on me. I'm doing just fine where I am, he said. If I don't get enough social time at all the events I go to, I have a problem, he said. All public schools are full of bullies. Just public schools, father? Told them about the bullying, after keeping it hidden for over three months. She hugged me, cried for me, but she's on her period, so I expect her to be overemotional. But him?:

"Who's bullying you? Do I need to go down there and beat them up." Yelling.

All talk, father. You're all talk. Just like you were back in February. The worst part was that he didn't comfort me. Just said that if I end up going to my friends' school, I'll whore around with the next guy I see. Didn't say that directly, obviously. But that's what he meant. After he left for work, I went to my room and cried in my closet. Mother came in and interrogated me. Not in a mean way. She meant well, but she worded it as if I was being irrational by wanting to make a switch. I was fine with her questions, up until:

"There's a reason you're not on site. Do you realize what you put us though?"

Fuck you. Do you realize what you put ME though? I was isolated. I was trapped. I had my entire life taken away at such a young age, it broke me. I can't tell you anything. You complain about us not being close. Guess who broke that bond? Whatever I say to you, you say to him. After February, after I couldn't stand up for him, after they made me lie, I learned how to have my own voice. Now I can finally protect myself. Maybe not physically, but I'm done with your guys' bullshit. It sucks because I'm not considered a human until I'm an adult. I'm just a clueless and naive little girl that's going to get herself into bad things if I'm left alone. I'm becoming bitter. My character is changing, and I can feel it. I'm starting to hate you guys and I don't want to.

    I don't like the person I'm becoming.

It's strange to actually say it, because I've been feeling this for a while. But this week I forgot about that feeling I had since it was hidden away in my overwhelming high of happiness -- which is still lingering. I see myself as a lot of things. Not too many negative nor positive. I don't hate myself anymore. That's a good thing in most eyes, but I think not hating myself is where this started. I see myself as quite joyful. I feel like I care more than most people. I think I've learned to be wiser and how to teach people to be smarter than I was. But since I've stopped hating myself, I've seen that I'm becoming selfish. I'm acting entitled; like everybody owes me something. I'm not patient with people, I get irritated. And I talk to talk rather than to listen.

I hate who I'm becoming, but I don't want to change. It's not really a pride thing. It's more of a defense thing. I'm rebellious. Because of my dad's failed batch in an earlier marriage, my parents tried to raise perfect children who never made any mistakes. That's why they freaked out when February happened. That's why they called me Lacey for a few days. At least their 'perfectness' took on one child. A child that wants to be good, who considers the Lord before she makes any decisions, who has an innocent mind and soul, who doesn't get irrationally angry at everything, who idolizes her parents. And it just so happened that I wasn't their perfect child. I don't want to be bitter. But it's difficult to forgive the people who locked me away, took my love, and never apologized for anything: not even the fact that they full out told me that I don't know God. I don't want to grow up hating my parents, but I feel that that's the path I'm going on. I find that my personality type can get me into lots of trouble. But at the same time, being feisty can save me from dealing with any bullshit from everybody. I'm torn. Because some days my family is perfect and loving toward me. But when I piss them off by just being a teenager, they act like it's the end of the world.

I hate this mindset. It needs to change, but I'm not sure how to change it.

...I'm...so...happy...